Whodunit. So this is about a production of The Mousetrap in London. There are plans to adapt the show into a movie, but after curtain call one night, the would-be-director (Adrien Brody) winds up murdered. There are many suspects with … Continue reading Thank You, Constable – See How They Run (2022)
The viciousness of high school. So this is about a pair of seniors, Drea and Eleanor (Camila Mendes, Maya Hawke). They’ve both been egregiously wronged and want vengeance. Since they haven’t been friends up until this point, they come up … Continue reading Get Your Comeuppance – Do Revenge (2022)
Wrung out. So if you’re not familiar with the 1883 Italian fairytale, then perhaps you’re familiar with the 1940 Disney animated classic. A puppet magically comes to life, but if he wants to become a real boy, he has to … Continue reading Killing the Magic – Pinocchio (2022)
Family reunion. So this is about a drifter (Harry Dean Stanton) who is wandering the desert of western Texas. He collapses in a next-to-deserted town, and while the town doctor revives him, the drifter doesn’t speak. With a business card … Continue reading What Happened to Travis? – Paris, Texas (1984)
Let your conscience be your guide. So this is about a woodcarver named Geppetto (Christian Rub). He crafts a puppet, names him Pinocchio (Dickie Jones), and then wishes him to life. In order for the magic to stick, Pinocchio must … Continue reading When You Wish Upon a Star – Pinocchio (1940)
Mum’s the word. So this is about an Airbnb mix-up in Detroit. A young woman (Georgina Campbell) arrives in the middle of the night, but it is already occupied by a young man (Bill Skarsgård). Will they be able to … Continue reading Not up for Discussion – Barbarian (2022)
Not one for the purists. So Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) has returned to Hogwarts for the fourth year of his wizarding education. This year, the school is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, which is a dangerous and prestigious competition. Two other … Continue reading The Big Hair Chapter – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
The doctor is out. So this is about Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto). He has a brilliant mind, but a debilitating blood disease. He has committed his life to find a cure, and he may have found the missing puzzle … Continue reading Sony Started a Joke – Morbius (2022)
Swash and buckle. I somewhat doubt that you need me to tell you what this is about, but just in case you forgot: you’ve got a blacksmith’s apprentice (Orlando Bloom), a governor’s daughter (Keira Knightley), and a scoundrel pirate (Johnny … Continue reading … But Why Is the Rum Gone? – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Storytime. So this is about a writer and a scholar (Tilda Swinton). She has chosen a life of solitude and is entirely devoted to her work. She crosses paths with an antique bottle, and wouldn’t you know that it is … Continue reading Djinn in a Bottle – Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)
Critic for Hire 