A Slim Improvement – Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

It is what it is.  So Christian (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) are back together.  He’s trying his best to open up, but it is unfamiliar territory to him.  She trying to accept his kinky side, but likewise, it is new to her.  This sequel is all about them furthering their relationship while trying to weather previous lovers popping back into Christian’s life.  At this point, everybody knows why this series was written: it is socially acceptable smut for bored housewives because it is in the form of a book.  I will straight up tell you that I’ve never read this book series, and will likely never do so for a number of different reasons, but a movie, I can handle, because it is done and over in two hours.  The first movie was pretty tame all things considered, and for what it’s worth, this movie does up the ante to the next level.

1I still don’t know if this would be hilarious or embarrassing to watch in a theater.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is still a bad movie that is chock filled with problems.  There’s glaring issues that don’t make sense from a logical standpoint.  For one, this is a girl that perpetually has three to four guys fighting for affection.  Don’t get me wrong, Dakota Johnson is a pretty enough actress, but she just doesn’t have that x-factor.  Her character is written to be homely and plain, and it never makes sense on just why she is the apple of the eye of so many suitors.  Then there is Christian, who is just a book of complexes.  He’s an overprotective control freak and just Batmans into a scene with the quickness, so much so that it is alarming.  I mean really, all you have to do is change the soundtrack to something like John Carpenter’s Halloween and you could completely change the entire movie… but that would never happen, because they’ve got their own soundtrack to sell here.

2What does Christian do for a living again?

This is still Twilight fan-fiction, and you can always see the shaky foundation that this was built on.  It is sillier, but at the same time, it is sexier, so if that is why you are watching it, you’re going to get your fix (I can’t imagine any other possible reason for watching this).  I still feel like this movie would be better if it just went for it, and because the acting is marginally better than The Room, this series is never ever going to reach the realm of being so bad it’s good.  At the end of the day, the entire reason why you would watch this would be the same if you were to watch a soft-core porno, except that would be a more earnest and efficient use of your time.

Fifty Shades Darker (2017) **

– Critic for Hire

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