Horror direct to you so you get it quicker. So this is about a young man with bills to pay (Chace Crawford). When he gets a call letting him know that his estranged father has passed, he soon finds out that he could be inheriting millions of dollars. The only thing that he has to do is produce a death certificate for his insane aunt that he never knew that he had. Most of the buildings from Eloise, the insane asylum she resided at, burned down years ago, but that doesn’t keep him and a small group from breaking into the intact buildings at night after they get stonewalled by a clerk. I did not know anything about this before I sat down to watch, only the year that it was released in. Nothing has changed since I started this blog, and I still give the direct to video movies as much of a chance as I give Hollywood blockbusters. There is a good reason that you have never and will never hear about this, short of this review.
Don’t be fooled, this is not a dramatic stage play.
As you can probably imagine, this was done on the cheap. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if most of the shooting on this was done on the set of American Horror Story Season 2 because it looks that similar. One of my biggest problems about this movie is how dimly it is lit. It is night time for the most part, and everybody has flashlights, naturally. Apart from the constant lightening from the storm that is happening outside, that’s essentially all the lighting that you get, which makes it difficult to determine what is happening. It’s not really that scary, it is mostly tame frights that have been done before, and apart from a scene involving an eye (I was scarred previously), there is nothing about this that is effective, or even competent, for that matter.
Movie making 101: you have to be able to see what is going on.
The actors here are just going through the motions, and they are all C-listers at best, like Eliza Dushku and Brandon T. Jackson, AKA the kid they got to play Alpa Chino in Tropic Thunder. They even got Robert Patrick here to essentially do a Jon Voight impression, and it is over the top. There’s just nothing here that I could even begin to consider to be worthwhile, even for the genre fans, and there are things that just don’t make sense from a logic standpoint, even before it gets supernatural at the end. For example, it is way too much of a liability to team up with somebody who is extremely autistic for a breaking and entering. It also doesn’t give you enough of an impression of this man being under financial stress to just not do this by the book and wait for a court order; everybody has bills, there’s no reason to resort to something that could potentially get you arrested. Bottom line: Eloise just doesn’t succeed at what it is trying to do.
Eloise (2017) *1/2
– Critic for Hire