I hated this. So this is about a nurse (Ruth Wilson) that lives with her client (Paula Prentiss). She comes to find in fairly short order that the house is haunted by a ghost that really doesn’t have an agenda. I didn’t know anything about this going in, much like many of the titles that just pop up without warning on Netflix. But hey, I like the genre, and I am a firm believer that horror movies should be quick. At a brief 87 minutes, I could get behind this, at least on paper. I regretted watching this before it was halfway over.
I don’t like to say that nothing happens in a horror movie, because that is so rarely the case, but nothing happens in this horror movie.
This is intentionally plodding, which I suppose was done with the intention of making this feel atmospheric, but there is so little that happens in this movie that it makes it feel about twice the length than it actually is. Speaking as someone who actually likes the first two Paranormal Activity movies, you have to have more content in your movie than what is featured here. Also, I know I’ve criticized the Paranormal Activity ghost/demon for being more of a prankster than a malicious spirit, but this ghost doesn’t do a single thing here other than amble the house on occasion. This is a whole lot of nothing, and so much of this movie is just our protagonist wandering from room to room. And I am not a fan of what this actress brought to the table here; she comes off like Christina Hendrix if she didn’t have any talent, and she is playing such a cowardly character, you can never at any point root for her. It’s also another situation where it is never really explained why this girl wouldn’t just leave if she was getting perpetually creeped out; she could just as easily get a caretaking job elsewhere, so why stay?
The interesting thing about this is that I don’t think this is poorly made. I think that this is shot well, and there are a number of scenes featured here where there is something slowly emerging from the shadows, and it looks good from a cinematic standpoint. But that’s literally the only positive that I have to say about this. This reminded me a lot of 2011’s Jane Eyre, another movie that I thought was overly slow and painstakingly boring. This left me restless, and I don’t think there has been a movie in recent memory that has made me antsier than this one. You could literally watch this in double time and not miss a damn thing, and I passionately dislike this movie.
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016) *
– Critic for Hire