The Civil Rights of Teddy Bears – Ted 2 (2015)

Because if there was one movie out there that demanded a sequel…  So following up on the smash comedy hit of 2012, we cut to the happily ever after to our protagonists Ted (Seth MacFarlane) and John (Mark Wahlberg).  Ted decides to throw caution to the wind and have a child with his new wife, but this causes a gigantic fuss with the public, as Ted is a magical teddy bear and not a human.  The question is raised and presented to the court: should Ted be considered to be a person or property?  Now I kind of liked Ted when it first came out, but not to the point where I would give it any kind of glowing recommendation.  In my mind, it is a perfect example of a film that overachieved, but I gave credit in that it was an original property afloat on an ocean of sequels.  Well, the time has come to give this it’s very own sequel, and I have to say: this should have stayed a one-off.

1I had a similar reaction when I read they were going through with this.

I’m going to come out and just say it: this is a shameless cash grab.  You can tell very early on that they had no business making this, as they really didn’t have any ideas to bring to the table.  It even feels like an opportunity missed with Ted’s case in court, because this was being released around the time where gay marriage was a hot button topic, but they fail to make any sort of connection, always picking the lowest of the low hanging fruit.  There aren’t even any real jokes written for this, just a lot of people yelling over other people and random non sequiturs; for example (and minor spoiler if you really care), this features a very bizarre cameo from Liam Neeson that lasts about a minute and goes nowhere.  Why?  Because this is from the maker of Family Guy, and that’s the style that he is used to.

2I don’t actively hate the show, but I don’t like it spilling over into other movies.

This is overlong to the point that you stop caring (I think I can count the number of worthwhile comedies that are 2+ hours on one hand), and it gets old pretty quickly; I reached the point where I just wanted this to be over because it’s just that unfunny.  It’s also tonally uneven; it tries to raise serious points, but then it is quick to fall back on a sperm joke (and believe me, this movie has a million of them).  It’s repetitive, and everything that is remotely funny is in the trailer.  They’re really not working with much here, and while the character of Ted is still a great special effect, I think they ran out of ideas before they even started this project.

Ted 2 (2015) **

– Critic for Hire

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