Bald Heads and Barcodes – Hitman: Agent 47 (2015)

Fast and stupid.  Giving this video game franchise a second crack at the big screen, this is about everybody’s favorite bald headed-assassin with a barcode on his neck, Agent 47 (Rupert Friend).  He teams up with a mysterious woman with a clairvoyant touch (Hannah Ware), and together they do some digging into the history of her father.  Now believe it or not, this is a property I know quite a bit about.  I’m actually a big fan of the stealth video game series, and I could bend your ear about Contracts or Blood Money.  That said, I do realize that there are things that should exist in one medium and not in the other, and with the Hitman property, I’m of the opinion that it should stay on the PlayStation, especially after this most recent attempt.

1

I don’t know why they decided to move forward with Rupert Friend when this already failed with the exponentially more talented Timothy Olyphant.

While I do like Hitman as a video game, I have to say that these movies are as dumb as dirt.  With the opening to this, you have an introduction so high tech and silly that it is almost like a Roger Moore James Bond film.  While I will give this credit in that it at least moves pretty quickly, it’s entirely style over substance.  This is entirely insubstantial, and it doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, the director’s chief concern was to ensure that it looks cool.  From the way this is put together, the action sequences play like mini music videos, and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me to hear if the director had that kind of specialty background.  It really gets so ridiculous that we’re at the point that there are Terminators in this universe, and if you try to pick this apart from a logic standpoint, you’re going to risk giving yourself an aneurysm.

2

It’s probably in everybody’s best interest that this uproxx article is a joke.

While there is really not much of anything to recommend about this, I will give this movie credit in that it’s short and it moves quickly.  If it slowed down at any point, it would seriously outstay its welcome, but from a standpoint of glossy stylish brevity, I award a point or two.  The biggest folly is that there are video game elements that don’t translate, like the bar code on the back of this man’s head, for example.  Whenever they decide to make a video game movie, the makers run into this catch 22; if they don’t include certain elements, they risk facing criticism from the fans of the game for nixing it, and if they do include it, you’ll get movie goers questioning why it doesn’t make any logical sense.  Hitman: Agent 47 is a silly piece of fluff that you’re not going to retain for long, and while you’re still better off just rewatching Léon: The Professional for a hitman story fix, this isn’t the worst thing you could take the time to watch.

Hitman: Agent 45 (2015) **1/2

– Critic for Hire

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