Whitewash – Aloha (2015)

White people in Hawaii. So this is about a military contractor (Bradley Cooper).  He comes to Hawaii on business, but quickly finds himself in a love triangle between his ex-wife who lives there (Rachel McAdams) and a fighter pilot (Emma Stone).  I may not be the best person to review this, as I haven’t even seen Cameron Crowe’s good movies (I hear Almost Famous is spectacular).  I saw Vanilla Sky in theaters when it first came out, but if you check a calendar, that was 14 years ago, and my memory doesn’t quite go back that far.  From what I hear, this is just a carbon copy of everything he’s done in the past.  From what I can personally see, this is just a generic romantic dramedy that you’ve seen before, and it just happens to take place in the state of Hawaii.

1

What better way to tell a story about Hawaii and the native’s practices than with white, white, white people?

This is a movie that doesn’t take any risks.  There are a lot of pretty faces in this lacking odd couple story, but there is no depth to any of the characters or story.  These are talented actors involved in both leading and supporting roles, but nobody has enough to do, so they are left with no other choice than to go through the motions.  Prime example: John Krasinski has one of the better roles in the film, but his defining character trait is that he’s a person who doesn’t really talk all that much.  The script is completely forgettable, and fails on every front.  It’s not funny enough to recommend as a comedy, there’s not enough chemistry to recommend as a romance, and it’s not written well enough to recommend as a drama.  It’s not even bad enough to recommend as a trashy bad movie you can laugh at, it’s just bland to the point of being forgettable.

2

Although to be fair, I do not fault the actors for this.  They do not lose points, and I still value the work they’ve done in other films.

This is a story that doesn’t hold water or your attention.  It telegraphs every plot point to the degree that you can map everything out.  It is inoffensive to the point of being vanilla, and because it always makes the safe decision, it ends up being the kind of movie that you settle on taking your parents to because you can’t agree on anything else.  There’s not a lot to chew on, especially with a tidy ending with a bow on top, and if you are looking for a quality movie about the state of Hawaii, you’re better off just rewatching The Descendants.

Aloha (2015) **

– Critic for Hire

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