Marlon Wayans Unchained – A Haunted House 2 (2014)

I must have been a terrible person in a previous life for being subjected to this.  There is no point in going into a plot synopsis on this, there really isn’t.  It’s Marlon Wayans acting as foolish as can be, making the lowest of lowbrow jokes while there is something vaguely paranormal happening within his new house.  Now I was one of those poor saps that watched the original Haunted House last year, and while it was marginally better than the standard spoof movie that gets made by Friedberg and Seltzer, it still wasn’t anything to write home about.  In hindsight, I realize that my sole positive feeling from that was completely due to getting one big belly laugh from it.  This on the other hand?  This drops to that Friedberg/Seltzer floor and scrapes up the scraps.

friedberg seltzerAfter showing that audiences have woken up and smelled the bullshit with the poor performance of The Starving Games, it may be time to give the keys to the lazy spoof kingdom to Marlon.

Remember that great scene from the first movie where Marlon violates a teddy bear for about 7 minutes?  Same thing is in here, only this time, it’s the doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle.  I thought the sex scene in Sex Tape went on a long time, but it’s got NOTHING on this.  I felt really uncomfortable; this is the kind of awkwardness that you would feel if you were to watch Killer Joe in a theater with your mother on one side and your father on the other, only here, you get the same effect watching it by yourself.  The thing about this is it’s the same three jokes repeated over and over again, and they are as follows: 1. Gabriel Iglesias accuses Marlon of being racist, and then immediately fulfills the stereotype.  2. Wayans viewing spoof snuff tapes from Sinister, and 3. Marlon Wayans, yelling, screaming and being sexually and racially offensive.  This is 86 minutes of high pitched buffoonery, and it is like nails on a chalkboard.  Another thing is, they aren’t even referencing big horror movies.  I got the joke, but I watch everything; how many people out there saw The Possession?

foolishRegardless if you’ve seen these horror movies or not, it doesn’t matter; the punchline is Marlon Wayans screaming.

Let me put this bluntly: if you like this, I don’t want to be friends with you, and you’re probably not going to like the movies I have to recommend, anyway.  I am going to be very shocked if I see a movie worse than this one released this year; it’s offensive, bottom-of-the-barrel stupidity, and it’s the opposite of creative.  All of the high pitched screaming made me feel like I was losing my mind, and let’s all pray to the movie gods that Marlon doesn’t have it in him to make this a trilogy.

A Haunted House 2 (2014) 1/2

– Critic for Hire

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